Sickness of the Soul

(Picture from NF song "Wake Up" video)


"Lord, Help Me Not To Offend You"

I want to glorify God with my life but I am in a strange place these days.  It seems like every where I turn I am offending God.  My intentions, idle words, fears, useless thoughts, and selfish pride keep pouring out of me like a flood.  I have entered into a darkness or a kind of death of my soul. 

Everything about me is like a house of cards that is falling down around me.  I have no defenses, no excuses, and no faith in myself.  I am in utter ruin and like Job, all I can do is cry out to God for mercy, guidance, and strength.  My imperfections are everywhere and I despise myself.  I feel every weakness and every fault.  I am a man to be pitied and in need of prayer.

What feels like madness is actually for my good.  God is healing and purifying my soul and I am stumbling and fighting it all the way.  My flesh is stronger that I have ever imagined and my stubborn pride is kicking against it all.  I am in the middle of spiritual torments and like a little child that hates taking medicine for his own good, I am going through the fire of God's love and spiritual purification.

I realize I deserve to live in hell but what I am finding out is even in Hell, God will go along with you if you truly desire it.  I am nothing and God is everything.  I am seeing so many of my imperfections in the light of God's beautiful perfection.  What I am believing is God is going to use my weaknesses for the fulfillment of His plans.  I am learning the hard way to have no confidence in the flesh.  My only confidence is in God alone.

So I have started a strange journey.  Where it is taking me I do no know or can even comprehend.  I suspect if I asked God to show me ahead of time and I knew where I was going, I may not want to go along for the ride.  So God does not ask or even give me a choice in the matter.  God simply says here we go and trust Me to see around the corner even though you can't see it at all.

In the end, I may not know where this all is taking me but I do know what God is building in me.  God is driving me to the cross of Christ to humility.  God is exposing and breaking me of all my bad habits. I believe God wants to give me comfort and peace but for now, I can not even posses these least I should trust in them more than I do God. 

Lastly, God wants our hearts ablaze for Him.  For by giving God our hearts, God enlarges our hearts with His heart.  God keeps coming and coming because Christ is always coming for those who are ready to receive him every day.  God is making my body a fit dwelling place for his Spirit.  God wants this temple to be heaven, even in this world.